:: The Memory Burns ::

:: Tuesday, April 27, 2010 ::

On Writing

I have been pondering the act of writing lately. Writing has been a part of my life since the earliest days that I can recall of my childhood. I have been with a fairly consistent writing group for about 15 or 20 years now and I enjoy the craft and companionship quite a bit.

There was a time in my life that words flowed through me like water. The pinnacle of this was a period of about 3 years where I was writing poetry so prolifically that I had to carry an electronic voice recorder, or a pad of paper and a pen, with me every minute of every day because entire poems would pop into my head, completed, spontaneously and often. It was like being addicted to cocaine. It was an amazing high. A sensation of truly living and being connected...to everything! It was like being a conduit to some unknown being who desperately needed me to push these words out onto paper, perhaps for the world to see. It was an imperative! It was knowing the truths of the universe. I was let in on the secrets of life!

When that went away I felt like something had been stolen from me. I was sad and lonely for a very long time, but I never really told anyone. I felt like my best friend had left me; my greatest love had fled. I felt unloved and unworthy. I felt like I was being punished, and maybe I was because I was squandering a generous gift.

These days I'm lucky if I can string a coherent sentence together. And it's taken me a long while to figure out what the heck is going on, but I might actually be there! I may actually have sorted out the issues.

First, I am an ENFP or ENTP or some anagram like that. What this means is that my personality lends me to enjoy starting projects but fail at finishing them. And this is VERY true to my nature. I love the thrill of new things, but despise the drudgery of finishing them.

Second, I have no desire to publish. I thought I had the desire to publish, but I could really care less. I write for myself, first, which is just fine. But I need to cultivate some interest in publishing all of this stuff, or there is no real reason to keep going. Without the interest in publishing, or even entering some of my stories or poems into contests, there is little to spur me own.

Third, and probably most important, it has finally occurred to me that writing... the act of writing well... means that you have to separate your writing self into two people. Jack Heffron, in "The Writer's Idea Book" calls these two personalities The Writer and The Author. I might call them The Writer and The Publisher because, as Heffron points out, they have two different, potentially opposing, functions. The Writer has to be the creative self; the one who desires to put words and ideas onto paper, to create situations and characters, and to draw resolutions for them. The Writer is the one who loved to play with words! The Publisher has to be an editor and an agent; that person who desires to close the deal... to finish the project... to get it 'out there'. The Publisher is a very serious sort. The two cannot coexist. They have to remain separate. If locked in the same room together they will not get along. They will argue about purpose and time spent and they will have two differing goals. The Writer has to come along first, and only when The Writer is done can The Publisher (or The Author) step in. At that very moment The Writer has to go away, unless called back by The Publisher to do more work.

I absolutely am The Writer. I want to create and play, not deal with the serious business. To continue the craft I must cultivate The Publisher in me. And even though I say this I can already feel myself cringing away from that part of me that needs to be cultivated. It seems a disgusting, evil thing to me. It gives me the creeps. Is this my dark side? Ewwww.

Labels: Writing

:: Greta 4/27/2010 11:52:00 PM [+] 4 comments

4 Comments:

If that is your dark side, you are too good. Sounds like the Publisher is all about discipline. I wish I had more Publisher in me too. Ignore it for a while if you don't enjoy that part. It's not like writing is something that you have to live off of. Why isn't joy and the "high" enough to keep you going?

By  Angie, at 11:09 AM  

First of all, congrats on your blog! I think you are very brave to do it. This entry on writing is revealing and helps me know you a bit more. I'm very glad you shared this with me.

I relate to the different selves from a zen perspective where they are described as creator and critic, or child and adult. As you say, they can't be active at the same time or else they conflict with or negate each other and generate a negative state of mind that is toxic to producing anything of value.

Examples of how they can support each other ... the critic can schedule play time for the creator, and work time for itself, and ensure that those appointments are kept. And it's not just business ... the critic can declare that a particular writing session is for creating, exploring, and playing; and another session is for editing or researching.

The critic needs the creator to generate material it can work with; the creator needs the critic to keep raising the standard for what is good writing, channel the energy, and decide how best to publish the work.

I had a music teacher who made me close my eyes and imagine how Gabriel the trumpeter in the bible would sound if he played the music I was about to play. Then I had to play the piece while hearing that same heavenly music in my head and imitate that. So my task while practicing was to be able to more perfectly replicate what was in my head, and my task while away from the horn was to improve the quality of what I heard in my head by listening to more music, analyzing what was good about it, and seeking out better performances.

I think that writing can be approached in the exact same way. Keep reading and analyzing films, etc to improve your range and ability to conceive of narrative and character, and keep writing to see if you can make what shows up on the page more closely resemble your internal ideal.

These concepts work really well for me when I can apply them, but I'm a spoiled child (as you say you are) in that I just want to play. At those times, it's hard for me to see that an adult approach to writing is beneficial and can allow for a different kind of fun.

By  Bill, at 11:31 PM  

I can't understand your problem... I mean, I turned on my computer to do some writing.. but then checked email, then joined a Google Account, then commented on your post, then... what will I do next to keep from actually getting some writing done? Oh wait, that's what you were saying to begin with, perhaps it's a symptom we get from those around us... sorry if I spread it to you. Or was it Bill, or.. no, couldn't be Karen, she finish's what she starts. ;)

By  Dale, at 10:15 AM  

Bill, excellent insight, as always. Love the wisdom of your music teacher. If I stopped to ponder in any way, shape or form before I acted half of the time I would be nicer, more productive and more economical in all areas of my life. Alas, though I understand the wisdom, I rarely put it into action.

I think the writing area I am creating will lend itself to a more relaxed feel, and will invite me to stay and ponder things more readily. I've already put my meditation corner back into use in my life and I see great, positive things becauce of it. All in just a few short days.

We shall see how I make out in the long run...

By  Greta, at 9:11 PM  

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Who Am I?

In general it is hard to accept who we are. As human beings we have a hard time accepting and even understanding the deepest, most intimate qualities of ourselves. This is why we have heroes. This is why we have people who we can look up to. And, I imagine, this is also why we look for faults in those around us. Knowing that others aren't perfect makes us feel a little bit better when we face our own imperfections.

As a Christian I know a God who calls himself, "I am who I am". That's a pretty cloudy statement on the surface, but as we get to know God - as we learn to establish a personal relationship with him - we come to understand that "I am who I am" is the perfect way to think of him. He is different for all of us. He is different to different individual people and he is different to individual cultures. And yet, at his core, he is the same to all of us.

Isn't that a vexing thought? God is different to us all and yet he is the same. He is in heaven and yet he is all around us here on earth. He is an all knowing and all powerful being (for lack of a better word) and yet he is our closest friend. He is a mystery, and so, I ask you, is it any mystery that we are a mystery to ourselves?

If we are truly created in the image of a God who is "I am who I am" then why can't we accept ourselves for who we are? Why do we strive to be like our friends, our mentors, our family members, our heroes, or even the fictional characters that we involve in our lives? Why do we strive to be something other than who we are, particularly when we put ourselves in relationship to God who knows no bounds and who is always seeing us exactly as who we are. After all, he created us!

Let me shift the focus to myself for clarification. I bask in a relationship with God. I have chosen to enter into a two-way relationship with him (at its base form). I have accepted a contract with him, a deep enough relationship with him, where I have agreed to become so intimate with him that I offer full disclosure of my faults, my sins, my deepest fears and sorrows, and all of the joys and triumphs of my life. I lay it all on the line for him to see. Because Adam and Eve are such great role models in their failure in the garden I don't bother to try to hide anything from God anymore. I know he is there, watching over me, involved in everything I do or fail to do; aware of it before I am aware of it myself.

So why, then, if I know God is so fully present to and aware of my activities, and if I know that he created me, wrote me on the keyboard of life and painted a picture of me to spark my creation, why do I hide from myself? If I know that I can't fool God, why do I try to fool myself? If I believe that God is "I am who I am" and that he created me, why can't I accept that I am who I am? I am who I am! There is nothing that I can do about it, and yet I can't resist the urge to fight against it and wish (at times) that I were like someone else!

And furthermore, why, since deciding to declare myself a Christian a few years ago, why do I find that my relationship with God has changed? Why do I find that that relationship takes work now? I am no more or less aware of his presence in my life now than I was back then. He's never been missing from my life. But now that I have entered into this full disclosure relationship with him I don't feel his presence as naturally as I once did.

I thought as a child, back in my Taoist days, and so I trusted and lived faithfully as a child. But now that I have signed this agreement with God, now that I have entered into the fully-aware Christian arena, my relationship with him is dampened by the realities and responsibilities of the faith. You would think this would help, but it doesn't.

Yes, my friends, life is a big mystery. God is a gigantic mystery. You and I are little, mini-mysteries. It's all a big Christian CSI game, looking for clues, hints, evidence and trusting in your gut (to coin the phrase of one of MY fictional heroes, Leroy Jethro Gibbs!).

I am who I am. I just have no idea who that is half the time. Or, maybe I just have a hard time accepting the truth of it as easily as God does.

Labels: God, self

:: Greta 4/26/2010 09:55:00 PM [+] 1 comments

1 Comments:

I had a discussion with a friend last night that directly relates to this. We were both saying how we used to run when things got tough in relationships and in life, and that we still fight that instinct within us. But that we are feeling called, in this case by God, to learn to work through the difficulties. Because it is really in these difficulties, in the trying times, that the real relationship is built. Sounds like you know what I'm talking about.
Our search for our true selves is really our search for God. And the relationship we have with him, in being ourselves, is the most challenging relationship we have. And we can't escape it. Let me know if you discover any tricks. ;)

By  Angie, at 11:08 AM  

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The Losers

Okay, I lied. I am going to Blog about something tonight.

A friend and I went to see a movie called The Losers the other night. That it stars Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Chris Evans was enough to get me there. I do love a good action film. I love a movie that features good looking guys strutting around doing manly things. And I absolutely can't get enough of the tried-and-true story format of pitting good vs. evil. Mind you, there are degrees of good and degrees of evil, but we don't need to go there right now.

I was a little leery of this film, but it did not let me down. It was mega-action packed. The good guys straddle the line of morality, but they come through in the end. There is the hint of sex, but they never cross the line and there is no full nudity. There's lots of shooting and very little blood shed. It's like a modern-day A-Team. Which begs the question, will the modern-day A Team movie do the job as well?

In The Losers Jeffrey Dean Morgan (John Winchester from the television show Supernatural) leads a military team who has been betrayed and has been left for, and declared dead by, their sleazy US Government handler. They battle back to regain their reputation and their lives.

I am also a sucker for most TV shows and movies with a great team as the central "character" and The Losers has that at its core. There is only one member of the team that I didn't much care for. The rest were great characters and all had their own hooks that drew me in.

This is the first release in a string of Mercenary/Espionage/Action films that are due out this summer, and it is a great way to start. If you enjoy action films... if you enjoy a good, fast-paced movie... the The Losers might do it for you.

It gets two thumbs up from this blogger.

Labels: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, The Losers

:: Greta 4/25/2010 11:40:00 PM [+] 0 comments

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I feel like I have been shirking my duties around here. I came out of the gate so 'on fire' and I haven't done a thing in the past week. To be fair I was on extended days off from work. Not really a vacation, but definately a break from routine.

But I'm back. And I'm ready to Blog. Tomorrow. Tonight I have spent the past 7 hours downloading a bunch of my old music CDs to mu computer so that I can get rid of the hard copies. I feel a little tech-drunk, so I'll beg off a lengthier and more interesting post until tomorrow.

Night!

:: Greta 4/25/2010 11:17:00 PM [+] 0 comments

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Because we can, can, can...

Tonight some friends and I are having a Moulin Rouge party, which is just an excuse to get together, eat some really good food, drink some Absinthe (Absente?) and watch Baz Luhrmann's movie which stars Ewan McGregor (yea!) and Nicole Kidman. Just out of the oven at my place are asparagus, mushroom, prosciutto and goat cheese Galette's, which is a french word for little pie like things apparently. They smell super-yummy and I can't wait to dig in. Also on the menu is French Onion soup, Brie and mushrooms, sausages and a crepe cake. We have it pretty good...

:: Greta 4/16/2010 06:13:00 PM [+] 0 comments

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My Life With the Saints, Part I

I have been reading a book called My Life With the Saints by Fr. Jim Martin, a Jesuit Priest. This is a book that my mum bought for me a couple of years ago. It's a book that I really wanted, and it was a book that I asked her for when she was looking for a gift for me one day. And it is a book that has sat on my shelf, unread, ever since. I honestly don't know why I haven't read it until now. Maybe it's because I can be shiftless and lazy, or maybe it's because it is one of the last things I received from my mum before she died and I wanted to make it last. It's hard to say.

But what I can say is that, in my four years of time with the Catholic Church, I have yet to be able to figure out what the saints are all about. Sure, they each have their special causes, and, sure, they are heroes for us... examples of what we can and should strive for in our lives. But, over and above that, what's the deal?  Fr. Jim is leading me down the path to enlightenment.

It all started when I saw another copy of the book at a Catholic book store on sale... half off (sense a theme in my shopping, yet?). I immediately thought of my friend, Angie, and decided to buy it for her. Not only would it make a nifty gift for a friend, but then I could maybe rope her into reading it at the same time that I was, and it would give us something to talk about, other than television and movies (not that those aren't great, fun topics. But...).

She started reading before I did, and that gave me the impetus to dig in. I'm glad that it did. Fr. Jim has a great writing style. He truly engages me in the matieral and he makes me think beyond what little I know about the saints. More importantly, he is spurring me on to want to investigate further on my own. In what little I have read so far I have been moved to really ponder the lives of some of the saints; to sit with them and spend time with them and to try to get to know them and their motivations a little bit more. In other words, he is making the saints more real to me, and is helping me to engage them in my faith life.

But it's deeper than that. Through this book I am starting to ruminate with the saints (is that even a sentence? Travis, help me out here!). By that I mean that I am stewing with them. I am becoming immersed in them, bathing in the time I spend with them; allowing it to seep into me. And I need that. My prayer life can be amazingly shallow. I think I spend a lot of time in prayer, but I think that it is often empty prayer. Listless and stilted; often including the weather report, sadly enough ("Thanks for the awesome weather, Lord! Yuck, it's a bit rainy out today, Jesus. Can you change that for me?"). If I'm not talking about anything more important than TV with my friends, and the weather with Jesus, how deep of a life am I leading?

Okay, let's take a step back. My friends and I do engage in deeper conversation, but I think you get my drift. The easy road is talking about the latest TV shows and movies we have watched. The harder path is talking about how ridiculous you feel because you can't strike up a stunning conversation with God; or with people, for that matter.

But when I think of it it occurs to me that most of the time the intimate moments of my life are spent with my friends in companionable silence. Honestly, those are often the most meaningful moments for me. That I can sit quietly with a friend, and still feel that I have spent valuable time with them is an amazing experience. And it's a rare thing. I find that most people feel obligated to fill up the awkward moments of silence, often with meaningless chatter. I think it takes honesty, integrity and deep commintment to be able to sit silently with someone and to learn to enjoy their company that way. It is about the only time I am a good listener, really. If you sit quietly with someone you can get a real sense for what they are experiencing in their lives. You can tell if they are sad or happy, tense or relaxed, anxious or at peace. The spoken word often masks what we are truly experiencing.

So maybe my prayer life is a little deeper than I think. Maybe that time I spend sitting with God, not saying a word, which is probably 80% of my prayer time, is much more valuable than I have ever thought? I'm only halfway through what Fr. Jim wrote about St. Therese of Lesiux but my initial reaction is that he seems to portray her as someone who felt the presence of God very clearly. Someone who was immersed in his presence and someone who felt prayer more than recited prayer. Now that's a saint I can put my weight behind. That's a saint that I should be praying with. That's someone who I can understand, and, more importantly, who can understand me, even, probably, when I don't understand myself.

I remember when I first started learning about Catholicism that I didn't understand why Catholics were so excited about Jesus. He was the son, not The Man. You have God, the Father, so why do you need his kid? I thought Jesus was a guy who's picture hung on the walls of the houses of people who were sad and lonely. Boy was I wrong. It took me a while to understand who Jesus was... how integral he is in our lives. Now maybe I'll get a chance to meet some of the saints on a deeper level, too, and learn to view them as more than historical or mythological figures. 

The good news is that I have plenty of time to learn. The better news is that there are a host of people out there who are willing to help me get where I need to go. You know who you are. At least those of you who I have already met. So, thanks guys! Never hesitate to give me a shove in the right direction. Clearly I need it.

Labels: Faith, Jim Martin, Saints

:: Greta 4/15/2010 09:17:00 AM [+] 3 comments

3 Comments:

I'm beginning to think that "seep" is your favorite word. Love Fr. Martin!

By  Angie, at 3:22 PM  

When I first read this I thought Fr. Martin was sending his love. :)

Actually, I think "sleep" is my favorite word. Lately I seem to crave it above all else!

By  Greta, at 6:04 PM  

Meet me Upstairs someday, lil one.
Let's gitta BIG-OL-BEER.
Gotta lotta tok about
exploring the
Xtra-ordinary
X-ponential.
Cya soon Upstairs, dear...

By  -blessed b9, Catalyst4Christ, at 9:13 AM  

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It looks like I've fixed my comments section, so thanks to all of you who Facebooked me or texted today to let me know they weren't working. As of last night I knew that there was a problem, but I had already putzed around with this for three hours, so I figured I'd have another go tonight. And, thanks to the Blogger Support site, and a little html wizardry, I am now happy to accept comments.

Bring it!

Oh, and I opened this blog on my laptop tonight and it looks like the font and colors aren't as much of a problem as I thought they would be. Last night I was using my netbook, which I use 90% of the time these days. But on a full sized computer screen it seems to be okay. For the time being I'm leaving the background and format alone.

Cheers.

Labels: Comments

:: Greta 4/14/2010 10:37:00 PM [+] 0 comments

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Ever have one of those moments in life where you vow not to get sucked into something, knowing all the while that you just may get sucked in? Something you don't want to like, don't want to do, don't want to be? Welcome to my world.

You see, it started innocently enough. I love half hour comedies on DVD because when I watch them it only takes about 22 minutes of my life, and because I can squeeze in viewings between things like housework, writing, sleep, etc. And, hey! All the world was raving about it. And it was on sale! The entire first season was only, like, $14.00!  It was a bargain! So what if I bought season 2, as well, because it was also on sale. So what if I was setting myself up for failure right from the moment I stepped into the store. So what if I am weak!

So help me, I did not want to fall in love with the television series 30 Rock, or with Alec Baldwin. But I have. I have! I can't stop watching it. I'm fairly certain I overdosed on episodes from season 2 today. I had to stop watching just so I could come down from my high. Of course, it was forced on my because the battery in my portable DVD player died during an episode and I lacked the ability to go get the charger. I finally resorted to taking a nap so I wouldn't spark up the TV in the living room and watch more there.

I never wanted to be involved in this. I only wanted a little entertainment; a decent laugh!

When it comes down to brass tacks I have no qualms about liking the show 30 Rock. It is well written, has witty dialogue, it's fast paced... It's given me a lot of respect for Tina Fey, though I wasn't really looking for a reason to like her or respect her. But she's got a gift. She has a talent for what she does. She brings a bit of joy to people each week and who can hate that? Yes, the show is off color and a bit racy at times, but in the grand scheme of today's entertainment industry it's mostly harmless.

No, the biggest problem that I have is Alec Baldwin. Good gravy I never wanted to be a fan of this man. He kind of creeps me out on a number of levels. But I got skunked into going to see the movie It's Complicated and he was downright funny in it (though give the man some clothes, please!). I went because the movie was recommended to me by a friend, and because it was at a second-run theatre we have near here where the tickets are super cheap. Cheaper than renting a film. And it had Meryl Streep and Steve Martin, and (yea!) John Karsinski from The Office.

I figured I'd watch the DVDs and then gift them to my friend, George. I was sure this was going to be one of those shows that boys like more than girls. I was sure it wasn't going to be "my type" of humor. But I love, love, love the stupid show and (*gasp*) I love Baldwin's character Jack Donaghy. He is just as creepy as I always thought Baldwin was and yet I just can't get enough of him! He's self-centered, he's egotistical, he's a poster child for couple of the seven deadly sins, but he's got this side of him that's just so loveable! Kind of like the creepy dog at the SCPA who looks like he has mange and who snarls at you every time you go near the cage, but you know there's a redeemable quality to him that makes you want to tak him home and snuggle him and let him sleep at the end of your bed... until he bites you while you're feeding him.

Damn you, Alec Baldwin. Damn you to heck!

I need to go rent The Hunt for Red October.

My name's Greta, and I have a problem...

Labels: 30 Rock, Alec Baldwin, TV

:: Greta 4/14/2010 10:12:00 PM [+] 2 comments

2 Comments:

Wow, you have a LOT to say about 30 Rock. You really do have a bit of an issue. And as I have said before: there is nothing wrong with liking Alec Baldwin on screen. He also has a gift for what he does. My biggest question after reading this post: Why is the word "gravy" blue and bold?

By  Angie, at 3:16 PM  

The words appearing in blue are either words I wanted in bold or italics. Unfortunately, I need to go back into my web code and sort that out. Too lazy to for now, though.

By  Greta, at 6:05 PM  

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New Beginnings...

For some reason lately I have been feeling the urge to blog again. I started this blog in 2002. 2002! The Memory Burns has been around for a good long while, largely dormant until I stumbled upon it by accident a few weeks ago. I couldn't believe that it still existed. The last post had been in 2005! Why hadn't anyone deleted it from the server? What purpose could it possible have? It's like the car key that you lost in the sofa cushion and didn't find again until spring cleaning time. Lost, forgotten, but still valuable in its own way. You're glad to have it back when you find it, but you managed without it all the while...

The title for this blog came from a moment in my days of prolific creative writing when I was driving through Maudslay State Park in Newburyport, Mass. It's a beautiful place if you ever get a chance to visit. A friend and I were killing time, and we drove through this huge pine forest, all dark and moody with brilliant shafts of light filtering through the trees. Dust sparkled in the air amongst those trees, until everything changed as we came to a dead end, to a little grouping of small houses. At that very moment a voice in my head whispered, "It's about conviction and passion.". I had no idea what it meant at the time, and it was followed a few days later by a dream I had in which I was sitting in a small room, like a basement, which was lit by a single bare bulb hanging from a wire in the ceiling. I felt like I was being held hostage there, tied to the chair like something out of a bad spy thriller. And again I heard that voice, only this time it said, "The memory burns!". Somehow I knew that the two events were related, and the words have stayed with me, off and on, ever since. The memory burns! It's about conviction and passion! How cool would that be? How cool if we all lived our lives as if it were all about conviction and passion, and we were so immediately in the moment that it felt like that memory would be seared into our brains forever?

When I rediscovered The Memory Burns it was like stumbling into an old friend, only this time I didn't run and hide so I wouldn't have to manufacture some interesting facts to dazzle them with about my life. This time I decided to embrace it whole-heartedly. I decided it was time for me to have another go at daily, or somewhat daily creative writing. Even if it is only drabble about my life and my mini-posse of friends. We really are a stunningly interesting group once you get to know us.

I have no idea who's going to read this, but I want to write it so I am going to plow ahead with all due speed. Why, you ask? Because I love to write. I love the act of putting words on paper or a computer screen. I like playing with words. I love to create and I love to entertain whenever the mood strikes.

In other words, it's all about me, baby.

You may as well get used to it.

One last quick word. Eight years after creating this blog my older eyes realize how hard it is to read parts of it. So I am considering changing to larger print and a brighter background. Some day when I am bored I'll look into it. Right now, though, I'm just glad to be back in the blogging arena. I hope that you are, too.

:: Greta 4/13/2010 10:13:00 PM [+] 0 comments

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